Well I feel like a million pounds have been lifted off my soulders.  Things aren't perfect or completely fixed, but they are looking better.  I big bunch of guilt has been lifted. 

I am back to feeling human and feel as though life has a bit more meaning.  I feel loved. 

Currently Playing Broken By Seether, Amy Lee Broken see related

So today, well actually yesterday now.  Is(was) Larry and I's one year anniversary.  It was a hard day.  I sit here and think, we made it a year.  But did we?  I wanted to get him something extra special, but the time and money wasn't there to get him what I really wanted to.  But really its not about the gifts. 

I would have been the happiest woman in the world just to get a hug from him and wisper in my ear "I love you".  I guess its the little things in life that make it worthwhile.

My life seems strange to me right now.  I feel as though I am just going through the day to day motions, not knowing what to do or where I am.. It is an odd lonesome feeling.  It feels as though I am not really myself anymore and I am lost in some unfamiliar life. 

On a better note.  The boys had fun on Halloween.  Nate really enjoyed the trick or treating.  Brady just enjoyed the ride. 

Currently Playing American Idiot By Green Day Boulevard of Broken Dreams see related

Well you never know just what life will throw at you. One day you have the whole world in your hands, then in an instant it is all beat around and destroyed.  I sit here and wonder why, or how I even go on everyday.  Then I remember these two wonderful things that were given to me.  My boys, my life.

There are so many things that I don't understand about life.  I don't understand how you can love someone so much, give your life to them and then one thing destroys everything you ever had.  Then you sit there and wonder if it will ever be better.  My heart tells me it will until I get told by the person I love that I am not worth making things work.  How am I supposed to go on when the person I thought that I shared my soul with doesn't think I am worth being with anymore.  I am not real sure I am worth anything anymore.  All I do is exsist.  It takes everything I have to get up in the morning.  I don't want to face another day of pain.  A day I have caused.  All because I am so stupid and selfish.  But am I really selfish for wanting the best for my boys?  Not thinking of myself but doing for them I am selfish.  But that is my thinking, I guess from the outside I seem selfish because I did not give all of what was left. 

There is no other way to explain the way I feel and have felt for a few weeks now except. I am sorry that things happened the way they did. I wish I could have fixed things before they got so bad.  I feel incomplete.  I feel inhuman. I feel alone. 

I always need a place to just let my thoughts, feelings, and emotions flow, so here it is, my heart and soul.  Every thing that I always keep bottled up inside of me can now be let free.